Expectations

(sorry it's so long) June 24, 2017

Expectations are funny things. We set ourselves up for disappointment and disillusionment with them. We create struggles that don't need to exist. The most minor things can cause great pain simply because we set a self-defined expectation around a circumstance or situation.

Marriage and parenting are the easiest places to see this played out. We marry and think our spouse will be who they were before the wedding, but it changes us. Or we think our spouse will change and fulfill our dreams of wedded bliss and they don't. Those expectations can be good or bad and they come from many sources. Seeing others in similar circumstances and assuming yours will be the same. Many expectations come from comparing our lives to others. It's a terrible trap to think what someone else has is destined for you too. Truly terrible because watching from the outside you have no idea what they actually "have". And if you could have it how could it possibly be the same since you are not they.

We tell people to walk a mile in our shoes to understand us, but even that leaves out the fact that it's not my experience unless you can put yourself in my shoes as I would be in my shoes. Unless you understand my history from my vantage point you cannot possibly understand my mile. Maybe my parents beat me, maybe yours did. Maybe I received everything I ever asked for, maybe you did.

I came to Mongolia determined to limit my expectations as much as possible. I was determined to leave my hands wide open for God to fill or leave empty. I think I succeeded in some ways in others I failed miserably. I had an expectation that I was being given all the information there was about our housing arrangements, that I would know where we were staying and when. Housing was never a concern because it is provided for us, which is an incredible blessing! I got hung up on knowing the details. I wanted to have control by advance knowledge. Looking back it was so petty. And yet there it is. I was wrecked for days just because I thought I knew our living arrangements and then found out that a minor detail had been left out. We have to move out of our apartment for two weeks into other housing that is provided for us. I don't have to find my own housing. I'm not left on the streets. I don't have to figure out the details myself. I just have to move for two weeks. At worst it's inconvenient and anyone who knows me knows how I feel about those who bemoan inconvenience. If I had known, it wouldn't have bothered me a minute. I would have happily agreed. It actually made the most sense given the circumstances. Another couple returning to the field to close up their home - now my home- and say goodbye to ministry, land, people that they love, but are being called away from. My heart breaks for them as I write this. Why wasn't that my first response? We have made it clear from our first visit to this field that we want to be treated the way the other workers are. No special treatment, no going out of your way to make things easy for us that you wouldn't do for yourselves.

When I first understood we would have to move I felt betrayed. How ridiculous is that? Yet, my expectation had set me up for this fall. I had set myself up for this pit. I was angry with God and demanding that this unfairness be righted. It is so ridiculous it is embarrassing to write this. I have put off writing about it for a month because it is so beneath who I hold myself to be to have this of all things upset me. Let's hear it for transparency.

In it all God was kind and patient with me. So were the other workers for that matter. I'm sure they couldn't understand why it upset me so much. It is such a little thing to be so upset about considering all the other things that were being thrown at us. Abba was willing to let me rail and cry and stew. He held my hand, told me it would be alright, and reminded me who I am to him. Abba reminded me that he knows what he's asking and he will provide everything I need to accomplish what is before me. In the midst of it I could see that it wasn't an isolated thing that had set me off, it was merely the tipping point. I never wanted to leave my sons thousands of miles away. I never wanted to miss the birth of any of my grandchildren let alone this latest one. Giving my children even a moment to feel abandoned has been what I have strove against every day for the last 22 years. The oldest has enough reason to feel that way, the younger two would never if I could help it. I can't help it. And God is orchestrating it. I see the good in it. I just look forward to the day it doesn't hurt so much.

Jean