Санаж

from August 29, 2017

To be homesick.

To have my heart walking around outside of my body.

My бага хүү бас бага бэр (youngest son also youngest daughter in law) will welcome my youngest grandchild into the world soon. I am heartsick at being away. I am struggling with feeling like I have betrayed my son. All 3 of my sons. I raised them with the understanding I would be near as long as I had breath. I knew I couldn't promise I'd always be here. I never realized I would be breathing and far away. If you have known me the past 20 years or more, you know how much my sons mean to me. You should know how much I have poured my heart and soul into them. How much I love being their mom. How much I want nothing more than to hang out with them and hear their lives, be in their lives, and do community with them.

What's the typical payoff for raising your children well? Being there for the birth and life of those grandchildren and watching your children parent better and more closely with God than I did. I always told them I could not wish that their children would be just like them, because then I would have failed. Each generation is to get better. I have failed as a parent if you aren't a better parent than me who produces more heart/spirit healthy children than we did. Now, I do hope that Levi has that incredibly sweet habit of rubbing his papa's ear the way my precious Erik did mine. I want him to feel that connection. I pray that he has a deep connection to our Abba just like his daddy did. I hope he understands righteousness and purity like his daddy did from such a young age. I pray he is as silly as his papa was. Oh, there are many traits of my sons I pray are passed on and seen in that next generation. Like Benny's shared characteristics of his daddy. It's beautiful to see my eyes in my son and those same eyes in his son.

Right now I am trying to comfort myself with God's truth that there will be blessing for leaving my heart behind. I'm praying that blessing is felt by my children instead of betrayal. I pray that they will know more deeply and more quickly what it took so long for Chaz and I to understand. I pray for healing from the Spirit himself. I pray for a strong discernment and abundant wisdom that only comes from on high. I pray they never regret us as parents, for all our flaws and wounds. I pray they never second guess Mongolia. I pray they each see Mongolia if only for a short visit.

I am grateful for the conviction of this decision to move to Mongolia. I am grateful for the reminders of his grace, his faithfulness, his very loud voice, and his sovereignty over our lives. I am begging God to let that be enough for each of us. I can't imagine right now how it can replace the smell of my baby's hair, the sweet pleasure of feeding him, of watching my son and daughter fall in love with their baby boy the way Chaz and I did with ours. The ache is so deep. I pray he can comfort my E when he wishes we were there for so many reasons. I pray he will comfort my Rhys who is walking this alone for now. I pray that I might have a glimpse of his purpose/fruit for this painful separation. I pray my sons never think any of this was easy; my way; or any less painful than it truly is.

Thanks for refraining from dismissing my thoughts and for praying.

Jean